MyCenterofWealth

Dear Me,

I thought to pause today to say thank you for getting me out of the dilemma I got into a few days ago – my looking for “a form of God”. I’ll be honest with you – no filters, no lies, just me, the authentic me.

That day, I woke up feeling off – like when the power switch is off. I felt some kind of distance between me and God. It felt a disconnection, the kind a baby have when they can’t sense their mother’s closeness – her smell, warmth, heartbeat, or voice. I felt like a kind of sudden emptiness and loss of safety, a sensation of “something essential is missing.”

My inner system was searching for something familiar and grounding to hold to bridge the emotional distance wrecking my heart – a form of God I am familiar with or I know. The emotion is very uncomfortable, and it is unraveling my world, and I want to get rid of it as fast as it came. It was rampaging my familiar world.  Top of Form

Bottom of Form

I started thinking… Why am I feeling like this?” Could it be because of that “thing” I did the day before, maybe it is a way that God is showing his disapproval of it. The emotions was wrecking my inner system couple with this weight of God’s disapproval. I have no right word for my emotions. So, I did what I know how to do – pray, but it felt like my words were bouncing back to me, like nothing was going anywhere. I tried singing too, but even that didn’t flow. It was just one of those mornings.

Then I thought of those songs that reignite your spirit, you know those “worship medley” we sing in church – the kind that makes the presence of God flow through you so strongly you can’t ignore it. As I was about to reach out for it, that is when you caught me.

That singular question you ask me, stop me in my track – what do you want… a feeling or a knowing? Hmmm, what do I want? That question made me pause. Do I want to feel like I have worshipped, or do I want real assurance that God is still with me? Do I want a form of God or God himself. Do I want a charade or authentic worship? The charade will thick the box of worship for me, reward me with a feeling of God, but that is not true worship – God is Spirit and they that worship him must worship Him in spirit and in truth.

You saw through me with that question. I was about to slip into an emotional ride of worshipping God and truth be told, I have done that kind of worship many times before. The type that makes me come out later feeling proud that I have “ticked the box”, saying I spent two hours worshipping or prayed in tongues for an hour. But that is where it has always ended – the feeling, no result. Because if I am being honest with myself, the emotional feeling from  that “sensational” song doesn’t necessarily mean I have truly connected. It might mean I caught a vibe.

I am thankful for the quiet whisper of His word you reminded me of  “He will never leave you nor forsake you.” It sounds too common to be enough and too simple to stand as worship, and too fragile for my hand to trust. Like the Israelites, I was looking for a form of God not a voice. I was looking for Him in the earthquake and the fire, not a quiet whisper – a still small voice. I have seen a form of God before, the mount of transfiguration and I want to build a tabernacle here that I can also come back to.

I paused. I sat with it. I questioned my belief, do I believe what he has already said He won’t leave me, for if I truly believe, then trying to “work up” a feeling to feel connected is really unbelief in disguise –  It has a feeling of spirituality, a form of godliness but no power.

In that moment, it felt like I was trying to prove something—like I needed to perform, to do something spiritual enough so I could feel close to Him, but this is not necessary.

I didn’t force the prayer. I didn’t sing either. I  stayed with that word — He will never leave me. I let it sink in. I got up from there – at first, it felt like I didn’t really do anything. No long prayer, no deep worship, nothing dramatic. But the guidance that came after… it was way more assuring than anything I would have forced that morning.

Calm. Steady. No pressure.

And that’s when it clicked—sometimes it’s not about chasing a feeling. Sometimes it’s about holding on to what I already know, resting in his word… even when I don’t feel it. Thank you for the lesson. This is me, your girl checking in one more time

Your girl,
Aarinola